Farewell, Dear Ah Po (Grandma)

Although I cannot see you, be with you,

I feel your presence near.

I will hold you close in memory,

Till I drop my very last tear.

So sleep now with the angels,

And your golden heart let rest.

Although our hearts are broken,

We know GOD took the best.

God saw you getting tired, a cure was not to be.

He wrapped you in his loving arms and whispered ‘Come with me.’

You suffered much in silence, your spirit did not bend.

you faced your pain with courage, until the very end.

You've tried so hard to stay with us but your fight was not in vain,

God took you to His loving home and freed you from the pain.

You leave us on the 16th Jan 2015

Rest in God's love Ah Po..

It's so hard to say goodbye.. 

How do I say goodbye to what we had? 
The good times that made us laugh 
Outweigh the bad. 

I thought we'd get to see forever 
But forever's gone away 
It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday. 

I don't know where this road 
Is going to lead 
All I know is where we've been 
And what we've been through. 

If we get to see tomorrow 
I hope it's worth all the wait 
It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday. 

And I'll take with me the memories 
To be my sunshine after the rain 
It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday. 

And I'll take with me the memories 
To be my sunshine after the rain 
It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

I know you will still love me the same

" I fail you. Not once, but many times. I can't feel you sometimes. I doubt on you, not once, but many times. There are times when I choose to go my own way without consult with you. I am so selfish and stubborn. I don't deserve your kind affection, your love. I have failed you. "

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I've just realized that I've been not blogging for a year. Where am i now?  "Where are you, Mary?"

2014 was one of the most challenging years for me. Came out from a broken relationship, leave my family, my job, and decided to leave my country to another new world, new place, new people, new life. 

I remembered few years ago, i been praying to God that may He will open the right doors for me. I never prayed specifically what i want from Him. I just tell Him that whatever He wants me to do, i will obey and follow Him. I prayed faithfully.

As i start my new year, this is what He reminds me. This is the door that I've been asking from Him. He make way for me to come here - Australia. He gives me the courage and passion to pursue something that my heart yearns to do, something that i desire to be. 

As i brace myself to move abroad for the first time, I look back and I know that squeezing my lives into a suitcase and leaving my beloved country was the best decision that i could have possibly made. Because when i move away, when i turn my life into a journey filled with uncertainty, i grow up in unexpected ways. I have to admit many times, i feel homesick. The only thing i could do is to ignore it and focus what is ahead me. Sounds easy but believe me, when you focus something you want so badly, giving up is not in your vocabulary! 

I struggled with so many things since i moved here. There’s always moments of distress. Even the simplest task can become a huge challenge. That's where God started to stretch my faith again. He wants to see if i trust Him enough. I failed many times but He's just keep quiet, instead of punishing me, He always has his own way to tell me that He's still love me. This situation reminds me of my Geography teacher in primary school. Whenever i failed my exam, he will hit both of my hand with the bamboo rattan! 

The difficulty that i have been through in my life, whether big or small, make me realized that God still produce more strength, faith and perseverance in me to face the world. He quite my restless heart and mind with His tender love. This is where i know He's still love me the same like He used to love me 27 years ago. I am still His beloved.

 

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”    Romans 8:28

More posts coming soon :)

Happy reading!

Love, Mary xx

Your last goodbye..

Random thoughts, random poem...

Your last goodbye,

Makes me speechless,

I tried to gather my words but i fail to do so,

Silence is my weakness,

I can't do nothing.

It's hard to imagine this,

To end up our dreams,

The plans we made,

But God decides for us,

It's hurts me and you,

We can't do nothing.

Your last goodbye,

I know this time is a real goodbye,

My soul cries your name over and over,

Tears rolled down my face as i prayed to God,

Lord please help him, please help me,

I know everyone hurts..

My heart cried thousand rivers for our love.

I'm sorry for dragging you into this,

I'm sorry for what had happened,

But mistakes couldn't be erase,

All we can do is to move on our own lives,

I know and i hope i can go through this without you.

My prayers is with you ,

My blessings is with you.

After today, 

I'll make thousand days without you,
without your presence, your words, your encouragement.
But you are still in my lonely mind,

And i know after today,

I'll lie every night on my bed with tears,

Re-read all the messages you've left for me,

Before i fall asleep.
I hope i will dream about you in all my dreams,
The only place i could meet you,
Thinking about you,
I’m just suffering my life here,
without you.

In this life we never be together,
But, I hide my tears and smile for you,
And I pray for your happiness as always I do. 

Now i will miss you more than ever.

I love you darling,

I love you and i will always love you,

Forever i'll love you,

I will always be here for you.

I'm speechless,

Can't believe this is your last goodbye.

Can't believe it's over now..

Mary

25 Random facts about me !

Hey guys, I thought it’d be nice to write a little bit more of a personal blog post today for you to get to know me better!

So here are 25 random facts about me :

1. I love dogs and cats. But i prefer to have dogs as pets. I can't stand the smell of cat's poop! Currently i have two dogs and named them Angel and Mickey. 

2. I have 5 siblings. I am the 5th. I have a sister, 3 elder brothers and 1 younger brother which is 26 this year. We are all grown up. 

3. I am NOT a vegetarian. Yes, I eat meat. BUT i can't eat too much. I will feel sick. So, please don't get me wrong if i choose not to eat meat sometimes. I love seafood!

4. I'm allergic to peanuts, black beans and nuts. The reaction that i get if i am taking any nuts or peanuts is not that serious like some people. I only get swelling on my lips and things growing like an acne on my body. Its really painful. But I love peanuts butter! 

5. I hate snake, worms, any small insects. I hate flies. 

6. I CAN'T dance. I'm serious. 

7. Don't invite me to any disco place or club because i can't take the cigarettes smoke and smells. It's killing me and my lungs. 

8. Related on number 7, i am a very homely person. I enjoyed staying at home and never get bored. 

9. Oh did i not mention that i am an introvert? 

10. I'm afraid of dark. When i sleep alone, i will turn on the bathroom's light. 

11. I'm not a shopaholic. I shop but i buy only what i need. I will think twice before i purchase any expensive stuffs. 

12. I am a Malaysian. I am half Chinese, and half Kadazan which means i am a SINO-KADAZAN. I am flattered when people telling me that they thought i'm a Tagalog/Philippines, Indian or Caucasian. 

13. I can't swim. Too bad i don't have a chance to wear a bikini. Hahaha.

14. I love fruits and healthy foods. 

15. I can't live without my lemon drink. I always make a bottle of lemon juice mixed with honey for me to drink for the whole day. 

16. Related on number 15, because of i have been practicing drinking lemon juice everyday for 4 years now, i hardly get sick. Believe it or not i never take any medicine or pills. 

17. I love hugs, cuddle and touch from someone that i love. That's my love language. 

18. I love sports. I love watching football. I love basketball. When i was 11, i represented my primary school in basketball competition for two years. 

19. I am quite easily pleased and a very excitable person.

20. My favorite colors is blue, green, pink and red. And yellow too but whenever i wear yellow, i look tanned!

21. I hate fake eyelashes! Seriously, it makes me feel my eyes so heavy. 

22. I'm never late for anything (sometimes with good excuses), maybe this comes from me being anxious, but I always leave in plenty of time so I never have to rush. EARLY is on time, on time is LATE. 

23. My hobbies is collecting coins. I collect various types of coins which may include modern coins from various countries of the World or ancient historical coins. Currently i have 2 books. I haven't count how many coins i have. 

24. When i love someone, i will love that person with all my heart and no one can change the way i feel about that person except God.

25. I love music. When i do house cleaning, i turn on the music. When i do cooking, i turn on the music. When i pray, i turn on the music. Music just makes my life more fun. 

So there are 25 facts about me! I hope you found this post interesting!

Love,

Mary xx

I am beautiful - Overcoming low self esteem

At some point we all struggle with our own insecurities. We always feel uncertain about ourselves, lack of confidences, low self worth, lack of faith in our abilities and think negatively of ourselves. "I don't feel pretty today", I'm not good enough", "I'm so fat" & etc. We just couldn't hide our thoughts from all these negative feelings. Don't we? Don't be afraid to admit it because you are not alone. 

I struggle with low self esteem many years ago. I struggled with my self-image. I have never been the girl everyone thought was the prettiest. Though, my friends may tell me i am pretty and beautiful but i always wonder if they just being nice to me.Worst, i never feel happy on how i look. I don't like my skin, i'm not happy with my height and weight and i always wanted to be like a supermodel. You probably laughing at me now after reading this. Yes, ask any women, who doesn't want to have that kind of body - slim, tall, sexy. I wanted their image. Furthermore, I have always struggled with lack of faith in my own abilities and I still do.. Because of that, i sometimes struggling with lots of self criticizing. It's makes me feel pretty unmotivated. 

How do i overcome it ? 

PRAY and MEDITATE His Words. 

After i becoming a Christian. I started to learn to pray many things. Because i believe in the power of prayer. I have prayed and prayed and shed many tears. Tears of pain and joy. I prayed for healing. I meditate His Words. This is the verses that really helped me during that time. Even until today, this verses never fails me. 

I am BEAUTIFUL, WONDROUSLY MADE

“Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You,

But the night shines as the day;

The darkness and the light are both alike to You.

For You formed my inward parts;

You covered me in my mother’s womb.

I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

Marvelous are Your works,

And that my soul knows very well.”

Psalm 139:12-14

I do believe that there is something we all struggle with. We are all fighting our battles. This is just one battle among many I am choosing to defeat in order to strengthen my relationship with God. I remember when I first became a believer, there were some obvious changes in my life which occurred, but I did not recognize them until years later. One big change was the way i see my life and myself is beyond of my understanding. I see hope. I see light, love and beauty that i never seen in myself before. The bible says, 

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new."

2 Corinthians 5:17

God formed each of us in our mothers womb and He creates everything beautiful. God never created "junk". I am completely trust Him now that i am beautiful because God says i am! And i am sure God didn't make myself or anyone else an exception to all things being made beautiful. We have to know that we are beautiful inside and out. Never underestimated God's creation when the bible says "i am fearfully and wonderfully made". So girls and boys out there, you are beautiful! You don't have to trust me if you want, but you can trust His Words. Start to love yourself. How? Will let you know in the next blog. Till then, go and figure by yourself. Heee...

Here's the song that really-really say it so well. The first time i listened to this song, i cried. Yes. I feel like this song is made for me. Hope you will be bless by my testimony and if so, please do encourage anyone that you know who suffer the same thing. Show some love and give them support. Enjoy the song! 

Every blessings,

Mary xx

I am beautiful and amazing just the way i am.

There's a place for us - Long distance relationship

Just wanted to share this song to all of you. It touches my heart. I feel for those who are in a long distance relationship. Many people don't understand a long distance relationship. You always hear people says "long-distance relationship never work out or suck"  but when two people really love each other, even it being more hard, it can work very well. 

I found this article in Buzzfeed.com. When you see all these good things, start to think in the positive way, eventually you will be able to enjoy the long distance love. 

19 Reasons Why Long-Distance Relationships Are Better Than You Think

1. Communication becomes sacred. You’ll value any and all messages from your partner infinitely more.

2. Only being able to talk at certain times also means you get the happy jitters every time you hear your partner’s voice.

3. And, thankfully, you’ll be so eager to catch up that you won’t bother with awkward small talk.

4. Skype, meanwhile, becomes something you’re actually looking forward to.

5. And you two become masters of two-player apps, always excited for your partner’s next move.

6. If things go well, distance helps trust grow exponentially.

7. Being separate means you can master being independent and in a relationship.

8. And you never have to feel guilty about taking “me time.”

9. Awkward moments between yourself and your other’s parents are completely nonexistent.

10. Travel! Adventures are great, especially when the person you love is your destination.

11. And that moment when you first see each other again — priceless.

12. Not to mention now you actually have an excuse to do any touristy things you want, although you might be a tad distracted.

13. But of course, even the most routine things become amazing.

14. Gifts and surprises are now worth infinitely more than they were before.

15. And you have an excuse to unleash your inner romantic: Handwritten letters and postcards are the best.

16. Although you may fight, it’s often because you’ll wish the two of you just had more time together.

17. You know, though, that you always have something to look forward to.

18. Finally, if your long-distance relationship is successful, you can rest assured that your relationship is pretty golden.

19. And if all of this still doesn’t convince you, science says distance does actually makes the heart grow fonder.

So never give up! Keep on moving. Distance can seem overwhelming sometimes, but a love that lasts a lifetime may be well worth the risk. Where there is mutual will, love will always find a way. Have faith. 

We doesn't know what's God plans is. In our thoughts we always says "this is impossible for us to make it" but God says "there is nothing impossible" and never forget, His thoughts are higher than our thoughts. 

Isaiah 55:8-9

For my thoughts are not your thoughts,neither are your ways my ways,declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Enjoy this song everyone. 

Always love,

Mary xx

The top 5 highlights of my life in 2013 (Continue..)

Okay, i couldn't stop writing. So, i'm going to continue with the top 5 highlights of my life before i go to bed. 

2. Organizing two school event - Leadership

This year has been a quite challenging for me especially in my workplace. A month before we celebrate the World Teacher's Day & 10th Anniversary of the school which is on October, Sylvia, the school principal asked one of my colleague, Wilma, to manage the event. I had noticed Wilma couldn't handle it by herself, so i offered to help her. We work together, we plan, we gather volunteers and etc. To my surprise, everyone in the team looked up to me! I don't know where the courage came from to take this leadership. But i try my best take this responsibility in a humble way. I take time to listen and encourage them to express their opinions and ideas. Motivate and lead them at the same time.We came up with few interesting ideas for the event such as singing, dancing and drama for the kids. Drama was the biggest challenge for the kids because they have to act and speaks in English. I really thankful to God because during my high school days, i directed a short drama for our class project. These experiences and knowledge that able me to make the best use of these kids talents & giving them a wonderful opportunity to show their acting skills. Everyone fully engaged in their tasks that been given especially the kids, they came every day for the practice. Sylvia put her trust in us and we didn't let her down. The event run smoothly and successfully. The kids did very well in their acting. The teachers & parents blew away by their performance! I believed these kids has opened of the eyes and ears of the teachers and parents that they are talented, capable and smart.


Again the second time, Sylvia put her trust in us to organize another event for the school closing day on the 23rd November. We wanted to show our appreciation for the teachers, the ideas of 6 ethnics fashion show came from Shima . I was very impressed with her idea. And these idea strike literally out of nowhere into my head that to combined the 6 ethnics fashion show together with their traditional dance. I was so excited BUT i'm in trouble at the same time. Why? Because i don't know how to dance! Dancing is not my forte. The first week of the practice i struggled in choreograph the dance. I feel so frustrated and cried out to the Lord for help as i'm driving home. The song "Bless the Lord" playing at the right time. I feel peace slowly filled my heart. I started to sing praise & worship to Him whenever i feel helpless and trouble. A week later, God showed His faithfulness and love by sending His Angels to help me to choreograph the dance. I have learned a lot from them like how to notate the music, beats and rhythms, break down the music into phrases or sections in order to create the steps. The event again went smoothly, and successfully! God is so good to me! He is indeed an awesome God!


Here's the list of 6 ethnics dance


1. India - Bollywood

2. Suluk - Pangalay

3. Malay - Joget

4. Kadazan - Sumazau

5. Chinese - Trandition fans dancing

6. Western - Footlose

I went through my Bible and selected scriptures that would help me rise above the anxiety and dread I felt. I frequently remind myself of these verses to strengthen myself in work. It's helps a lot.

"Be still, and know that I am God" Psalm 46:10

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29:11

"Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity." 1 Timothy 4:13




3. Spiritual growth

Let me start with this verses "To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven" Ecclesiastes 3:1

I used to work as a purchasing cum sales coordinator in Kota Kinabalu. Working 6 days a week for nearly 12 hours a day. At the end of long days I fall into bed and my mind runs in crazy circles. Instead of corralling it and pulling out my Bible or spending time in quiet conversation with God I roll over and go to sleep because I just don’t have the energy. My spiritual life is dull and dry. I feel empty. Everything just doesn't feel right. From that moment i knew I've been away from God. One evening i was on my knees crying out to God. I prayed  "Father i don't know what's your plan for me, but whatever you want me to do, i will follow and obey you."  I found peace in my heart and decided to leave the job for good. I don’t have anything else lined up. It is a leap of faith. Two months later, i went to visited Sylvia, knowing i was unemployed by that time, she asked me to help her. I said why not. Let's try. Never crossed in my mind that this is God's calling for me. I obeyed His call.

I never regretted of leaving my previous job and choose to do a part-time social work. I am currently serving as a volunteer teacher in a local community school (Rainbow Of Hope School) for 1 year 1/2 now. I teach twice a week and the rest of the day i will stay at home. During my day off , i slowly seek Him by engaging myself with His Words and connect with Him through prayers. I got back into my devotions routine every morning. A lot of the times, it's not consistent. I have to confess here. But i'll always remind myself to keep on communicate with Him everyday. I started to do journal and memorizing His Words.Involved myself more in the cooperate prayers really helps a lot in my spiritual walk with God. I'm beginning to feel so much more like myself again - happy, energetic, confident and content. I have been doing this until today since i quit my job. Peoples surrounding me could see the changes in me. Some could see my face looks so radiant and more beautiful than before. I'm not trying to boost here but that's what they've told me. I take this as a compliment and give glory to Him. For me, this year is a season for me to rest and draw closer to God. I'm looking forward for the coming new year 2014 on God's plan for my life.



4. New Car !

Finally i got my first new car. I mean my own car! Why i looks so happy? Because i don't have to borrow my husband's car anymore. I've been driving my husband's car - Toyota Hilux  for quite sometimes. We have to take turn to use the car most of the times. So my husband decided to get me a new car. A small car. I don't mind rather i'm thankful to God for using my husband to bless me since i don't have any income coming in anymore. So, yeah, nothing much to share here. I'm happy with my white Myvi car. =)


5. Meeting great people

Working in the Rainbow of Hope gives me the opportunity meeting and making new friends from different part of the world. Meeting new people can be really interesting. You can end up having great conversations, discovering new stuff and making a good friends. I've met few that i still keep in touch until today and some of them become my student. (I teach Bahasa Malaysia's language for adults too.) Meeting with so many lovely people and seeing them leaving, there is this one person that stayed special in my heart. This person have made an impact on my life. This person has made me a stronger person and makes my life more interesting than before. I always thankful for all these wonderful people.


I am sincerely grateful to each and every one of you who read this blog and support me. Pardon for my bad grammar. I couldn't have had such a successful 2013 without your encouragement and motivation over the past 12 months.Thank you!



Wish you all :






Finally! Phew~~
I better stop writing now. It's 1 am !!



Lots of love,
Mary xxx